Green Light

 I've been dealing a lot with mental issues all these late years, in a lot of levels. And something they almost never tell you is how you will constantly contrast and compare with the people around you, especially friends, co-workers or simply people that work/do what you also do. And of course, dealing with jealousy and ostracism.

I'm an illustrator (I always doubt to say 'artist', because I don't consider myself one), and I work in illustration, animation and such. I spent at least the previous 5 years working in social media graphic design, a very good but sometimes dry and unimaginative job, like all marketing jobs; you can come out with a lot of ideas, but most of them will be rejected by the clientes, and it will always be the goal of selling a product, not about creativity or amazing ideas. So I jumped at the opportunity to work on illustration and animation in an art studio. And I've loved it. Yeah, it's had its ups and downs like any other work, especially in the art field, but its been good, and I've learned a lot and I feel how I've grow.

However, while I was working and growing, I've seen a number of people, younger people than me, that has gotten miles better, and better jobs, and a lot of amazing art friends that support and love each other and share their stuff. And I can't help but feel jealous, and powerless. I can't help but feel and think I've been so long working and growing and learning, and I still feel like I'm smaller than anyone I meet. I'm 30 years old, but I feel smaller and more child-like than any one of the younger artists that surround me. And I feel so invisible to them, like I still post drawings and stuff but they're nothing compared to sketches and quick drawings that everybody does. And they grow so fast and so talented, and so full of love and friends. And I don't know what to do. I'm afraid of talking to them, I'm afraid that they either don't like me, never liked me, or even don't care who I am. And its part of my personality, I've never had a strong personality like ever, I've always being an outcast, the one who talks less, the one who sits in the back of the classroom and so on. I've never liked parties or reunions, but I love spending time with people, small groups of people and have fun. I've drawn in groups like once or twice, but otherwise I've always been a very solitary person, since I was a child.And I don't wanna feel alone anymore, and I don't wanna feel invisible anymore, and I want people to like my art, the way I've learned to like it too.

But I've felt so long it has consumed me so much. That jealousy about people that probably don't even know or care who I am, and I devote myself so much thinking about them, in a "one-sided rivalry". But I've started to learn more about this more about my feelings and the real reason behind them.

I've always felt wary about talking this because we all know jealousy and talking about it is a big no-no in society. Almost no one talks about it openly, people only talk about how healthy and succesful they feel in the present moment, but rarely the behind the scenes excruciating and hard work that comes to help feeling like that. One of the best inspirations for finally writing this was Black Boy Fly, the Kendrick Lamar song. He openly talks about how he felt frustration about how he couldn't leave the Compton hoods, and he felt jealous about a number of artists, musicians and sportspeople that managed to leave, and then he talks about how he could leave the hoods and that he's gotten better and thankful about it. When I first heard it I was completely enthralled, because he talked openly about his jealousy, and in a rap song, a genre where musicians are always openly boasting how amazing they are and how no one can beat them. That kind of raw vulnerability was so amazing. I loved the song. And I've heard it a number of times and yes, jealousy at the end of the day is a normal part of human lives. Its not healthy when its all-time consuming and poisonous, but denying it would erase that human part of us.

And I've come to learn more about it the more I talk to myself about it. (And later, I will talk about it to my therapist, who I haven't seen in a long time).
Why? Why do I feel jealous about the amazing artists surrounding me? The obvious answer would be "because they're more succesful than me", yes, but that's not completely true. Sure, I don't have a sea of commissions like them, but I'm working a full steady job in what I love, illustration, and I have a (for the most part) good salary, and I've grown and learned so much is insane how much I've done amazing in my two years. But sometimes, I feel like my work is unfulfilling, because it is after all a full-time job, from 9 to 6-7, that occupies my whole day on it, and it can be really hard on me because I wanna do other stuff, like my own work, freelance stuff and such, and have more freedom in my life and not feel constraints about time or work load. Commissions also give the chance to interact and talk to a lot of varied people, something I would absolutely be thankful for.

Why do I feel jealous? Well, as I said, because these artists look so much more stable, and healthy and friendly to each other. For sure, I feel jealous because I wanna be part of a group like that, but I have to understand that these people probably have know each other for years, and its unlikely that some stranger like me would belong to a group like that out of nowhere. Its kind of a chance of life that I didn't grew up with an art group like that when I was younger. I would feel so nurtured and supported by a group like that, and I would totally support and love them all people. I've been part of small online artists groups, but they almost always get silent and die in a month or so, and no one cares anymore about posting or talking, so its not the same. And, on the other side, there's the magic of the internet, that is not always what we think it really is. Not everybody is really as happy as they seem, and a lot of people, most of them are hiding very harsh lives behind smiles and pretty drawings. So, I've come to learn, I'm not the only one that hurts, and even if they have, or seem to have, better and well-adjusted lives, they're probably not as good as it seems. Nobody has a perfect life, and I should learn that. Not in a "everybody is shit" way, but in a "everybody needs a hug and comprehension" way. 

Yes, all my jealousy probably comes rooted from trauma. I wanna feel more and be next to people, and I'm afraid to be hurt as I've always been before. I've felt so jealous that I've come to think "I rather be admired by a million people, than liked by a small few". Yes, that's the hurt ego talking. And that's not how I really feel or think. Because when I'm jealous and I think "ugh, why do these people support each other, why don't they talk to me, like my work, and like me? Why are they so good and amazing?", its because I want to be healthier and better for myself. Its not about them. Its about how uncomfortable I've been with my life all these years.

So I talk to myself. I tell myself. I know the truth. "They're not your enemies, or rivals. They're not even your friends. They're people that live their lives the best they can. And you SHOULD do that, too. You should learn how to grow and feel better, for yourself, not for anyone, not to be liked, or admired, but to be yourself".

Yes. I need to feel better and be better. And improve my life. And stop wallowing in self-pity. I have to be my best self and be better, for myself. Because people can support you, but no one will just come out and give you the answers to be a better person. It all comes from growing. Go out more. Talk to people more online, not expecting to just be liked out of nowhere or that they're gonna be my new art family. If I wanna improve my life, fiend friends, my art, my work, my everything, it has to be because of me and myself. 

Its not gonna be easy, because its hammering my mind with that same feeling of self-discovery until it gets better. 

Its all gonna be better.